Friday, July 24, 2009

How to Fix Vertical Collapse for Large Old TVs

Warning: The opinions expressed in this blog are purely speculative. I will take absolutely no responsibility for anyone's injury or death should they attempt to recreate the instructions in this post. Opening a television or monitor can be fatal. Televisions carry extremely high voltage even after they have been unplugged for a decade or two. Extremely high voltage is not good for the human body in large doses (and "extremely high" greatly exceeds "large"). If you do not understand this warning stop reading this blog for your own sake!

First, let me explain what Vertical Collapse looks like. The best example is when you turn off your television set and the screen momentarily turns into a horizontal green line; Vertical Collapse is when it always looks like that green line. Most TVs will have an intermediate stage in Vertical Collapse before reaching such a severe case. That looks more like your television got lazy and only wanted to show two inches vertically and the full width horizontally. Most people view this as a problem because it makes it extremely difficult to see the channel number in the upper right corner (not to mention how difficult it is to see facial expressions on lines).

If your television set is experiencing Vertical Collapse, it is most likely time to get a new television. You may be rolling your eyes right now saying to yourself, "If there's a way to fix it, why buy a new one?" Well, you could die. Then where would you be? First, try whacking the top or side. If this works, put something heavy on top of the TV or up against the side and skip to the "Problem solved" part of the post.

Should you be unlucky enough to still be reading this how-to guide, take heart there might be a glimmer of almost hope. Take it to the garage, or somewhere else dusty, humid, and boiling hot. Roll it screen down on a square of carpet or something else that can cause equal static charge. Unscrew all visible screws, and remove the back cover. Do not touch anything in contact with the back middle part of the TV. Take a picture of yourself with the exposed television back and place your camera or cellphone four feet from the work area. This picture will be an excellent shot of you near victory, and if not, it will help the paramedics determine cause of death.

Roll the television set upright and plug it in. Set up a mirror so that you can see the front of the set from behind it. This step is important and can be learned in the Optics section of Physics 2, if you are incapable of performing this task, unplug the TV, put the case back on, and go buy a new one. Gently tap different sections of the main circuit board with a non-conductive material, your wife's cooking spoon will work nicely. With each tap, check the screen with the mirror; you are looking for "Vertical No-Collapse" also known as "Nertical Normalcy." If you cover the whole circuit board with no success, something more serious is wrong, and it will be cheaper to buy a new television.

For those of you still with me, congratulations. You have located the affected area on the circuit board. Unplug and roll forward your large backless television and gently maneuver the main board so that you can see the side with all the solder points. Carefully melt each solder point in position within a two inch radius of the affected area. Old television sets have a tendency to loosen their grip on some of the solder points, you just gave it new life. Set the TV up and power it on to confirm your success. Don't forget to secure the circuit board and put the case back on.

If the problem isn't solved but you know where the affected area is, you could always whack it whenever you experience Recurring Vertical Collapse Syndrome.

Problem solved.

4 comments:

  1. Well if I had known all THAT I wouldn't have said you could have it! Duh!

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  2. Also re lady liguaphile.
    When she gasps in an annoying way-not that you would admit it was annoying-say, "please exhale and share the air."
    When she screams from the bathroom say "there better be something more dangerous than our dog in there."
    When you hear breaking glass say, "Call me if you're bleeding."

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  3. Now all we need is for my dear parents to bring it to Longview. :/

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  4. I did the poking with a plastic rod, and found that if I pushed a part to the left, the picture came back. There was a metal bracket next to the part, so I cut a piece of plastic slightly larger than the gap and wedged it in. Fixed!!! Crude and low tech, but effective.

    ReplyDelete