How to Fix Vertical Collapse for Large Old TVs

Warning: The opinions expressed in this blog are purely speculative. I will take absolutely no responsibility for anyone's injury or death should they attempt to recreate the instructions in this post. Opening a television or monitor can be fatal. Televisions carry extremely high voltage even after they have been unplugged for a decade or two. Extremely high voltage is not good for the human body in large doses (and "extremely high" greatly exceeds "large"). If you do not understand this warning stop reading this blog for your own sake!

First, let me explain what Vertical Collapse looks like. The best example is when you turn off your television set and the screen momentarily turns into a horizontal green line; Vertical Collapse is when it always looks like that green line. Most TVs will have an intermediate stage in Vertical Collapse before reaching such a severe case. That looks more like your television got lazy and only wanted to show two inches vertically and the full width horizontally. Most people view this as a problem because it makes it extremely difficult to see the channel number in the upper right corner (not to mention how difficult it is to see facial expressions on lines).

If your television set is experiencing Vertical Collapse, it is most likely time to get a new television. You may be rolling your eyes right now saying to yourself, "If there's a way to fix it, why buy a new one?" Well, you could die. Then where would you be? First, try whacking the top or side. If this works, put something heavy on top of the TV or up against the side and skip to the "Problem solved" part of the post.

Should you be unlucky enough to still be reading this how-to guide, take heart there might be a glimmer of almost hope. Take it to the garage, or somewhere else dusty, humid, and boiling hot. Roll it screen down on a square of carpet or something else that can cause equal static charge. Unscrew all visible screws, and remove the back cover. Do not touch anything in contact with the back middle part of the TV. Take a picture of yourself with the exposed television back and place your camera or cellphone four feet from the work area. This picture will be an excellent shot of you near victory, and if not, it will help the paramedics determine cause of death.

Roll the television set upright and plug it in. Set up a mirror so that you can see the front of the set from behind it. This step is important and can be learned in the Optics section of Physics 2, if you are incapable of performing this task, unplug the TV, put the case back on, and go buy a new one. Gently tap different sections of the main circuit board with a non-conductive material, your wife's cooking spoon will work nicely. With each tap, check the screen with the mirror; you are looking for "Vertical No-Collapse" also known as "Nertical Normalcy." If you cover the whole circuit board with no success, something more serious is wrong, and it will be cheaper to buy a new television.

For those of you still with me, congratulations. You have located the affected area on the circuit board. Unplug and roll forward your large backless television and gently maneuver the main board so that you can see the side with all the solder points. Carefully melt each solder point in position within a two inch radius of the affected area. Old television sets have a tendency to loosen their grip on some of the solder points, you just gave it new life. Set the TV up and power it on to confirm your success. Don't forget to secure the circuit board and put the case back on.

If the problem isn't solved but you know where the affected area is, you could always whack it whenever you experience Recurring Vertical Collapse Syndrome.

Problem solved.

Unfortunate Life of a Puppy

Moving will always be a stressful time, especially if you were to move permanently and into a stranger's home. The newest member of our family has had an exceptionally difficult one.

Becca and I adopted a little white and brown puppy from the local humane society on Tuesday to grow up with my one and a half year old puppy, Echo. Daisy and Echo hit it off wonderfully. He would attempt to start a game of tug-of-war and pull her across the room, and she would get up and lick his chin in adoration.

I expected that she would get sick early on from the change of diet and location, but I didn't quite expect worms in her vomit. That night my wife and I went to Walmart for some de-wormer, and later, both dogs ate that wonderful pill. Even later, they both expelled the worms from their bodies, and in the morning, I had the privilege of cleaning, bathing, and sterilizing the kennel and the dogs. They both looked rather miserable for a few days.

The plan was to take Daisy to the vet for her first round of shots, but before we could make our way to our local shot clinic, a wasp decided to do it's own vaccinating. I saw the whole thing unfold like a scene from a bad cartoon: the wasp saw the puppy, the puppy saw the wasp, the owner tried to react, the puppy decided to play with the wasp, and the wasp didn't want to play. I mashed the wasp but seconds too late. Her paw swelled up like a water balloon, and she hobbled to the kennel crying at the top of her lungs. I happened to have some children's strength diphenhydramine and measuring syringe formerly used to keep Echo drowsy on a long drive (16 hours?). My wife covered her paw with a baking powder paste, and by bedtime, she was as happy as such an unfortunate puppy could be.

On Sunday, I thought that surely this was the most unfortunate of puppies. In less than a week, she went through moving, worms medication, potty training (still very incomplete), finding her place at the bottom of the pack, and a wasp sting.

At work today, I received an unrecognized call and did not answer. When my phone informed me of the voice mail, I became interested and called voice mail. My neighbor's voice was saying something about his car and a vet and how very sorry he was. I drove to the veterinary clinic in the voice mail and found my neighbor and poor Daisy. She was breathing hard but breathing. She somehow had escaped the fenced back yard and lodged herself under his car. My neighbor was so filled with remorse that I let him go to work, and I stayed to get my little puppy x-rayed. She has some internal bruising, but no major broken bones. Her diaphragm is intact, and she can walk with a limp. All we can do now is wait and hope for the best. The pain medications will help, and so will the antibiotics.

What a most unfortunate dog.

Now I need to tell my wife...